Matthew Keenan

If you are a parent of a teenager, at some point you will hear your college son or daughter speak these words: “Uh, dad, can you look at my lease for the rental house? I need to sign it.”

Cardiac fibrillations may follow. But chillax, parents. What follows is a quick tutorial of the landmines included in every college party house lease. These are actual clauses from the lease governing the house for Keenan college boy #1, with interpretation as necessary.

•“Lessee [your kid] deposits with Lessor [landlord] a deposit of $500.00 per tenant. The deposit shall be returned…provided the following conditions are met: the entire Premises including furniture, appliances, fixtures, ceilings and floors having been cleaned.”

Memo to parents: say goodbye to five C-notes.

•“All debris, rubbish and discard must be removed from Lessor’s premises.”

Boys: Empty kegs are considered debris.

•“Lessee agrees that Lessee shall not keep any roomers, lodgers or boarders, or carry on any trade, profession, business, school, course of instruction or entertainment on the Premises.”

Translation: no home-brewed wine or beer; no filming “home movies”

Guests need to leave at some point; that includes Molly, who is just a “friend.”

“Entertainment” is defined broadly. Use your imagination. Yes, it’s covered.

•“Lessee shall not make or permit any use of Premises, which, directly or indirectly, is forbidden by public law, ordinance, or government regulation, nor any use which is dangerous to life, limb or property, nor which will be offensive or obnoxious to any residents of the neighborhood.”

AKA “meth clause.” It’s standard these days, started by Missouri landlords.

•“Lessee shall not operate or permit to be operated sound equipment, musical instrument, or television in any manner, which might disturb other residents of the neighborhood.”

Lose the speakers that double as weight supporting beams.

•“Lessee shall not keep any dog, cat or other pet in the building without Lessor’s prior written consent.”

Ditch the ex-girlfriend’s cat, “Twinkle.”

•“Lessee shall not erect any structure on the property on which the Premises is located and shall not enter upon the roof of any building upon the Premises.”

Keep party dudes off the roof, even if they just want to “look at the stars.”

•“Lessor shall be responsible for landscaping the premises including all lawn mowing and shrub pruning and flower bed maintenance.”

There is a name for this in landlord tenant law: impossibility of performance. The words “flower bed maintenance” are not in their vocab.

•“Lessee is and shall be liable for any injury or damage caused by their acts and/or omissions which is done to the leased Premises, and other occupant thereof, or to other persons whom Lessee permits to be in or about the leased Premises.”

Parents: This is why you buy insurance.

•“Lessor shall have the right from time to time to place upon the building or land upon which the Premises are a part, a mortgage or mortgages, given to any financial institution, to which this Lease shall be subordinated.”

Your landlord is a slumlord. Call me shocked.

•“Lessor may assign this lease at any time as collateral or otherwise without Lessee’s consent.”

Whichever bank takes this lease as collateral is about to have a new owner: the FDIC.

•“Vehicles must be parked on the street, must have a current license plate and must be operative. Vehicles may not be parked on the grass.”

Dude!

•“Lessee must use a heat source provided by management.”

OMG!! Dude!!

•“Lessee may not install or use a waterbed or bed filled with other fluid without the prior written permission of Lessor.”

You weren’t born in the 70s; your bed shouldn’t have been, either.

•“No damage to property beyond ordinary wear and tear resulting from careful usage.”

Careful usage? Wow.

•“Lessee agrees that visits by police to the Premises for improper behavior or citations or complaints of any kind by any governmental authority which in any way regards the tenants’ use or permitted use of the premises are grounds for termination of the Lease and/or eviction by Lessor. Lessee agrees to vacate Premises within ten (10) days of such notice.”

This clause requires no explanation. I’d suggest a “plan B” living arrangement just in case.